Turning 29
At the time I'm writing this, I will turn 29 TOMORROW! :0
To be honest, this birthday feels... different than other birthdays.
Maybe it's because 29 isn't a very glamorous age. There's no fun meme to go with it like 27. There's no roundness that 28 has. It's nowhere near the mid or early 20s. And it's not as monumental as 30. It's just. Kind of an ugly number ahaha. And the only thing it really comes with is the realization that it's my last year as a 20-something year old.
It's kind of wild being this age. Mentally I still think I'm 27. Or 24 even. I think some part of it is losing 2 years to pandemic. In a way it felt like time stood still after March 2020. Maybe it's because I spent the last 2 years in New York and now that I'm no longer there, it's vanished. Or maybe it just comes with growing older. There is a part of me that feels more confident about what I want out of life, that knows the direction I'm going in more clearly. But there's another part of me that still feels unready, or that I'm just starting. And it's difficult to feel like you're just starting when you felt like that 5, 6, even 10 years ago.
I know everyone says 30 isn't the end of the world. That it's not that old. I know this. I tell this to my own friends who are older than me and already in their 3rd decade. But now that I'm on the cusp of it... I don't know, it just feels a little strange.
It's strange too to think that at my age, my parents were already parents. That's something I'm not planning to get into for a few more years. And don't even get me started on housing.
I think, in a way, there's a part of me that feels like I'm starting over. Like starting fresh. I think it's a combination of starting grad school (which I got accepted into by the way!) and moving back to LA (which I had first done immediately after undergrad). Even though I have an established support group in LA, moreso than I originally did, and I feel better prepared and more financially stable, it's still, I don't know, daunting? And of course there's also my renewed vigor for being an Independent Artist™, a dream that I still haven't fully given up on. I feel I am in a better place to start from now as opposed to back in 2018, since I don't have to worry as much about money thanks to my day job. But of course that comes with time and energy constraints.
I don't know. I've heard of the concept of the saturn return, and I know I'd be fully in it right now, if not about to pass through on the other side of it. In a way I think there's some truth to it. Seeing grad school come to fruition, finally knowing where I want to live for the rest of my life, having a clearer sense of direction for my life as a whole. I don't know if it was a total upheaval of my life, but certainly clarified many things.
But now in my age, the decisions carry more weight. My next move will have me bringing EVERYTHING to the other coast. Grad school will mostly likely place a steep financial burden on myself. The cost of living keeps rising and I have to keep up. I want independence and space for myself. I want to start moving into the next chapter of my life, that hopefully brings more stability and fulfillment. I'm less interested in making new friends as I am in maintaining and strengthening the friendships I already have.
I feel that if my 20s was about failing fabulously and finding out what I like and don't like, what does and doesn't work for me, then my 30s is about really implementing all of that into my life. Finding myself at a point in my life where I can finally take a breath and just focus on what's right in front of me, instead of so many moving parts that I have to figure out. One can hope anyways.
So I guess there's that added sense of pressure here on my last year of the 20s. To set a good foundation for my 30s to be built on. To make smart choices and get everything moving. Maybe that pressure isn't a good thing, but I feel it nonetheless.
Even though there are so many things I want to get to this year, to the point of hardly being able to wait, I do hope that I can find it in myself to experience life a little slower. To savor this year, the months, and days. To make the most of it. I spend so much time thinking about my future, I know I often neglect my present and being in the moment. And on the flipside, feeling so paralyzed by future unknowns, rather than slowly working towards what I want each and every day. I hope I can push through those feelings and really enjoy living, even with all the stress and uncertainty that is to come.
Sometimes I wonder if I should reframe that fear of uncertainty. Yes, the unknown is scary. But at least with the unknown, the possibilities are still endless. The odds of something good happening is just as high as something bad. Hope can still exist in uncertainty. I've been trying to find comfort in that mindset so I don't lose myself in the spiral.
So here's to my final year in my 20s, which I'm sure will be full of uncertainty and stress, but also relief and joy. I hope I make the most of it and enjoy the journey just as much as the destination I am so eager to get to.