Thinking about that Blog
It's that time again.
The time when I suddenly feel the urge to blog, despite not having anything substantial to really write about.
The time when I decide to read my drafts and old posts for some sort of inspiration.
This time realizing, reading back... wow. I was so idealistic. So optimistic. And in hindsight, so unrealistic lol.
My goals, so big. Aspirations, so lofty. Dreams, basically on the moon. No wonder I struggled.
To be fully fair, maybe if I had a different brain or was a different person, I could have done it. The things I wanted to do in 2018 weren't inherently unreasonable.
But when I look back, knowing what I do about how I work, how my brain works, my limitations and otherwise... yeah that was a tall order lol.
It's been tricky. Considering the date, there's the obvious. Covid, social distancing, quarantining, isolating... the usual at this point. But there's the added bonus of our favorite iconic duo: depression and anxiety! Throw in some high key executive dysfunction, fluctuating focus, and an alleged mood disorder, along with a total lack of stability in life (whether for present or future) for the past two years and we've got a veritable cocktail for "actually, I don't think I will"
So now what. I feel like I've written this sort of post multiple times. But I think each time comes with a new attitude or revelation, and the same can be said about this one. I've struggled with what to write about here, and a big chunk of that (as I wrote in a draft) comes from... being unsure what I want to share, and feeling limited with what I can share for fear of... I don't know, backlash? Ridicule? Judgment? I like art, but making art can be a lot more fun than writing about art, and there is also a plethora of topics I find interesting, or things about myself I want to express and elaborate on.
So maybe. Instead of... stalling... and wringing my hands... I could... just... write it? :0 the Concept. Imagine.
I get hung up a lot on "but who will even read it" "it's not even interesting" and "isn't this just self indulgent and attention-seeking?" sort of thoughts. And, you know, maybe. But... I know when I find a creator I like, discover their blog, and start reading, I don't really care what they're writing about so much as how they write it. And if I really like that person, the only thing I care about is reading as many of their blogposts as possible! So... maybe take a page from that? After all, my first audience member is myself. Might as well make stuff that I like.
I keep telling myself that, but what does that even mean? I like so many things, and what I like has changed and fluctuated and bounced back over the years. Two easy places to look is stuff I enjoy making and stuff I enjoy consuming, whether thats art, writing, music, even videos. But a third place I have been revisiting is the stuff I loved as a kid. From 6 to 16, what was I into? What excited me? What did I spend hours reading, watching, drawing, creating, and thinking? Going for walks after dinner, deliberately crunching leaves, playing "tabletop" supernatural (the genre, not the show) roleplaying games, and cooking meals my mom used to make for us have brought me a sense of comfort and calm in its familiarity and nostalgia, so why not continue tapping into that inner child and teen for my creative outlets as well? Or even just going back a few years, to the first blog I made, where I really did just write whatever I wanted. The desire to compartmentalize and specify and specialize is strong, but maybe I should start working with my renaissance man way of finding interest and inspiration in so many varied topics.
All this to say, expect the scope of this blog to expand. Yes this site has my art and portfolio but... this site can also represent me holistically. So if one day you see a musing and the next a personal anecdote and the next a movie review or social commentary or political opinion or craft tutorial... well that's just what I'm feeling at the moment. A little bit of everything.